Developing Intimacy In Relationships

Feeling close to someone you love is an essential part of wellbeing. Yet for many men and couples we see at Energetics Institute, intimacy feels confusing, pressured or unsafe.

Past experiences, stress and unhelpful role models can make it hard to relax into an intimate relationship, even when you care deeply for your partner.

This page offers a practical guide to developing intimacy in relationships.

You will learn what defines a healthy intimate relationship, how trauma can affect closeness, and realistic ways to build emotional and physical intimacy in everyday life.

What Defines An Intimate Relationship?

In our practice, we describe an intimate relationship as an interpersonal relationship where two separate individuals commit to knowing and supporting each other over time.

It is more than a sexual relationship or a casual romance. A healthy intimate relationship includes emotional closeness, shared values and the sense that you can show your inner thoughts and feelings without being shamed.

For many men there is a quiet conflict, one part of them longs for closeness, while another part stays on guard because of past experiences. Understanding what intimacy involves gives you something clear to work with, instead of comparing yourself to idealised romantic relationships.

Commitment To One Another Over Time

Intimacy does not appear in a single deep talk. It grows as both individuals involved choose to keep turning up, especially when life is stressful.

Commitment can look like spending time together even when there are pressing issues, checking in after a stressful event, staying respectful in disagreements and coming back to repair after conflict.

Over time these choices show both nervous systems of the people involved that the intimate relationship is reasonably safe. That sense of reliability is an important component of relationship satisfaction and long term closeness.

A Progressive Journey Of Being Known

Real intimacy develops as more of your inner world becomes shareable. At first you may talk about surface topics. As trust builds, you gradually use more self disclosure about fears, hopes and vulnerabilities.

Many men were taught that feelings are weakness. They learned to stay in control instead of talking about how they feel. That may have helped you cope in your family or workplace, but it also limits how deeply someone can know you.

You do not need to tell your entire story at once. You can develop intimacy by adding one honest sentence about how something affected you. Over time this progressive journey of being known takes the intimate relationship to a deeper level.

Affection, Attachment And Emotional Safety

Most people associate intimacy with expressing affection and being physically close. Affection, touch and attachment are important, but they sit on top of something more basic: emotional safety.

Emotional safety means both people can share feelings without being mocked, one partner can say no to sexual activity or physical touch and know that their boundary will be respected, and you can disagree about each other’s beliefs without humiliation.

When emotional safety is present, affection usually grows. You see more hugs, kind messages and small rituals of care. When there is constant fear or criticism, emotional and physical intimacy shrink, even if sexual desire remains.

What Is Intimacy?

Intimacy is the felt sense of being known, accepted and supported in an important relationship. Intimacy involves many aspects of connection, not only sex. In therapy we often help couples map different forms of intimacy so they can see strengths and gaps.

Emotional, Physical And Relational Closeness

There are many forms of intimacy in a relationship:

• Emotional intimacy is sharing feelings, worries and hopes and feeling understood.
• Physical intimacy includes sexual intimacy, but also non sexual physical touch, such as hugging, holding hands or sitting close.
• Intellectual intimacy is sharing ideas and values, and sharing ideas in a way that respects each other’s beliefs.
• Spiritual intimacy is sharing meaning, values or a sense of something larger than yourselves.
• Experiential intimacy is doing things together, from chores and parenting to hobbies and travel.

In healthy relationships these different forms of intimacy overlap. Emotional and physical intimacy support each other. You are more open to sexual intimacy when you already feel respected and heard. Intimacy in relationships can also exist with friends and family members, not only with a romantic partner.

Intimacy, Vulnerability And Trust

Every healthy relationship that lasts includes risk and to develop intimacy you need to show more of who you are, which always carries the chance of misunderstanding or rejection. Its important to note that vulnerability is not oversharing, its taking one small step beyond your usual mask.

That might sound like admitting you feel anxious about money, saying you feel hurt when your partner pulls away, or naming how a fight reminds you of your childhood. When this kind of honesty is met with curiosity rather than attack, trust grows.

In my work I often slow these moments down, so both people can stay grounded enough to feel, “I shared something real and I was still accepted.” That has significant effects on wellbeing and on the future of the intimate relationship.

Intimacy As A Process That Develops Over Time

Intimacy in a relationship is never finished. Work stress, parenting, illness, grief and ageing all place pressure on close relationships.

During a health scare or other stressful event you might feel more like team mates than lovers or in early parenting, sleep loss may reduce energy for sexual activity but deepen your sense of being an intimate partner in a shared project.

Rather than labelling the relationship as good or bad, it is more useful to ask, “Given this season, what would maintaining intimacy look like for us right now?” Over time, staying interested in this question is an essential part of a healthy relationship.

Men, Trauma And Intimacy

Some men bring unwanted sexual experiences, emotional neglect or other trauma into an intimate relationship. Even if these events are rarely discussed, they can shape how safe closeness feels but the body remembers.

If early closeness came with manipulation or control, any move towards intimacy can trigger alarm and this can cause you to feel numb, flooded or suddenly angry when a partner reaches out.

You might long for a healthy intimate relationship, yet pull away as soon as you feel exposed. This does not mean you are incapable of love. It means your system learned that closeness was dangerous.

In counselling we work gently with these responses. There is no pressure to share more than you are ready for.

Therapy can help tease apart old danger from current reality so you can slowly build intimacy that supports both mental health and physical health.

How Trauma Can Impact Trust And Closeness

Trauma can influence many forms of social and personal relationships. In romantic relationships and with family members it might show up as difficulty trusting that care is genuine, reading neutral behaviour as rejection, feeling constantly on guard, or finding it hard to relax into emotional and physical intimacy or sexual intimacy.

From the outside, a partner may see distance, irritability or shutdown. From the inside, you may feel as if you are fighting for survival. Naming trauma as part of the picture reduces blame and opens the door to building intimacy in a kinder way.

Common Patterns That Block Intimacy

Common patterns include withdrawal, anger and shutting down. These strategies are understandable responses to past experiences, but over time they block greater intimacy and reduce relationship satisfaction.

In therapy I help men and couples notice these patterns in real time, understand how they once protected them and practise other forms of response that support both safety and connection in the intimate relationship.

Becoming Clear About Your Own Intimacy Needs

Understanding What Closeness Means To You

For some individuals, closeness is long late night talks, for others it is quiet company, shared projects, physical touch or regular sexual intimacy. By understanding when you have felt supported in close relationships can help you clarify what matters most to you.

These memories give you language to describe your needs in personal relationships, instead of hoping your partner can guess.

Identifying Your Fears And Protective Strategies

Alongside your needs for intimacy you will also have fears about being hurt, controlled or judged. These fears drive protective strategies such as joking when things get serious, staying in helper mode so attention never lands on you, or numbing out with work, substances or screens.

Seeing these patterns clearly does not mean criticising yourself. It means recognising that at one point they were creative solutions. From there you can choose where they still serve you and where they keep you from deeper connection.

Talking About Needs And Boundaries With A Partner

Healthy intimate relationships depend on clear communication about needs and boundaries. Intimacy involves respecting both. You might say that you want more emotional intimacy but get overwhelmed if you talk late at night, that physical touch is important even when you are not having sex, or that you are not ready to discuss part of your past.

This turns vague frustration into practical requests. It also positions both of you as partners working on the same problem, which supports greater intimacy rather than blame.

Practical Ways To Build And Maintain Intimacy

Use Relationships To Learn How To Be Whole Within

Despite common myths, an intimate relationship will not complete you. When you expect one partner to meet all your needs for support, fun, meaning and validation, the pressure quickly becomes unbearable.

A more realistic view is that relationships are powerful teachers. Conflict, jealousy and distance show where old wounds or unmet needs are still active. Working on your own mental health, physical wellbeing and sense of purpose makes you steadier inside. From there you can meet your intimate partner as a whole person, not a rescuer.

See Your Partner For Who They Really Are

Intimacy deepens when you stop relating to a fantasy and start seeing your partner as a complex human being. That includes their history, their triggers and their limits. When couples shift from “You should not feel that” to “Help me understand what happens for you”, the interpersonal relationship usually softens and becomes more collaborative.

Be Willing To Learn From Each Other

Every intimate relationship brings together two nervous systems and two sets of past experiences. That difference is not a flaw. It is the curriculum.

A fictional example based on many cases I see: one partner shuts down in conflict to avoid saying something they will regret, while the other raises their voice because they fear being ignored. In therapy we slow this pattern down so both can experiment with new responses, which supports building intimacy rather than repeating the same fight.

Get Comfortable Being Alone

The more comfortable you are in your own company, the less you cling to unhealthy patterns out of fear of being alone. Being comfortable alone might include friendships outside your couple, interests that are not shared with your partner, and basic self soothing skills.

This does not reduce closeness. It supports intimacy, because you are choosing to be in the relationship rather than needing it at any cost.

Look Closely At Why A Fight May Begin

Many arguments are not really about dishes, phones or money. Underneath, one partner may fear not being important, while the other fears being judged or controlled. When a disagreement starts, it helps to ask yourself what you are really afraid of and what old story about yourself is being triggered.

Sharing that layer often shifts the tone from attack and defence to understanding, which supports greater intimacy and relationship satisfaction.

Own Who You Are

Intimacy asks you to show up as yourself, not only your impressive persona. Owning who you are includes your limits and history as well as your strengths. Saying you find something difficult or admitting you were wrong is not weakness. In my experience as a therapist, this kind of grounded honesty is one of the strongest predictors of a healthy relationship.

Embrace Ordinariness In Everyday Life

Real intimacy is usually built in ordinary routines. Drinking coffee together, walking the dog, watching a show or sharing chores are all chances to connect. When couples stop chasing constant excitement and start noticing these small moments, they often feel more satisfied with their intimate relationship.

Expand Your Heart And Stay Open

When you have been hurt it is tempting to shut down and decide that intimacy is too risky. Over time this can harden into beliefs that relationships always fail or that no one can be trusted. Therapy can help you examine these beliefs, honour why they formed and slowly open to other possibilities.

Staying open does not mean ignoring red flags. It means allowing small, manageable risks in safe relationships, such as an extra minute of eye contact or a slightly more honest answer.

Focus On Giving Love, Not Keeping Score

Intimacy erodes quickly when a couple keeps score of who does more. While fairness matters, constant tallying turns a living bond into a ledger. A more nourishing question is, “How do I want to show up here while still respecting myself?”

This often leads to more spontaneous kindness and expressing affection. It also tends to invite more generosity from the other side.

Let Go Of Rigid Expectations

Rigid rules about how an intimate relationship should look create pressure and disappointment. You might believe you should never argue, always want sex or share every interest. Real people and real relationships are more flexible.

Letting go of rigid scripts allows you to discover the particular shape of your own intimate relationship. There are many forms of connection. The important component is that both people feel basically safe, respected and cared for.

Day To Day Habits That Strengthen Connection

Small Acts Of Affection And Appreciation

Building intimacy does not require grand gestures. Small daily habits often have the biggest impact on emotional closeness. You might say thank you for everyday tasks, offer a hug when your partner looks stressed, send a supportive message during the day or name one thing you value about them before sleep.

These micro moments of care create a background sense of safety and goodwill in your intimate relationship.

Honest Conversations And Repair After Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in close relationships. What matters is how you repair. Honest repair means coming back after things cool down, listening to each other’s feelings, owning your part and agreeing on one small change for next time.

Couples who practise repair tend to feel more secure. They know that even if they clash, they can find their way back. That makes deeper intimacy less frightening and supports maintaining intimacy over time.

Shared Rituals, Play And Fun

Play is often the first casualty of adult life, yet it is an essential part of a healthy intimate relationship. Shared rituals create a sense of “us” that supports connection over the long term.

Examples include a weekly walk or coffee, a simple shared spiritual practice, or a regular game, show or hobby you both enjoy. Spending time this way reminds you that you are more than co workers managing a household. You are also friends and lovers.

When Intimacy Feels Hard

Signs You Might Need Extra Support

It is normal for intimacy to ebb and flow. Extra support may help when the same arguments repeat without resolution, one partner consistently feels lonely or shut down, there is little emotional intimacy or physical intimacy despite good intentions, or you rely on work, substances or digital escape to avoid closeness.

Seeking help is not a failure. It is a sign that your intimate relationship and your own wellbeing matter to you.

Talking With Your Partner About Getting Help

If you are thinking about counselling, you might say that you notice you keep getting stuck in the same places, that you care about the relationship and that you would like some help to understand what is happening. You can invite your partner to come with you, but you can also begin therapy on your own.

Work you do individually often has positive effects on all your relationships.

How Counselling Or Psychotherapy Can Support Intimacy

Counselling and psychotherapy offer a confidential space to explore intimacy in relationships. At Energetics Institute we work in a trauma informed and body based way, integrating talk therapy with awareness of the nervous system. We look at how your history, beliefs and protective strategies shape intimacy now and how you can gradually create a more healthy intimate relationship with yourself and others.

Therapy moves at your pace. There is no pressure to reveal more than you are ready to share. Abuse is never the survivor’s fault. Our focus is on helping you feel safer in your own skin, clearer about your needs and more able to build close relationships that support your wellbeing across life.

Conclusion

If you recognise yourself or your relationship in this page and would like support with building intimacy, you are welcome to reach out for Relationship Counselling Perth. Taking that step to contact our therapists at Energetics institute, it could be the beginning of a more grounded, satisfying and intimate life, both with others and within yourself.