by Richard Boyd, Body Mind Psychotherapist, Energetics Institute, Perth, West Australia
As a child we all read the various children's stories that had been written up until that time. Most of these tales presented well to a young audience and allowed a young mind to identify and enter that world of innocence. We all read and identified with such tales as children.
For many the one exception to that rule was "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland", by Lewis Carroll. This strange tale had a strange and disjointed or fragmented feel to it, and never actually arrived at a satisfying or logical conclusion. When read with its later counterpart, "Through The Looking Glass", the story actually has no proper ending at all.
In reflection this children's tale stands apart from other stories of its Mid Victorian era. The book "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" seems a more surreal and fragmented journey that looks it could have been written by Timothy Leary in the 1960's whilst on LSD, than from a meek cleric, author and mathematician from middle class Victorian England.
When one researches the life history of Lewis Carroll, who was the author of these stories then through the lens of a psychotherapist the penny drops and we find the deeper meaning and context for these writings. To understand Lewis Carroll and his children's books we must understand the Borderline personality from psychology/psychiatry realms.
The term "Borderline Personality" is a largely misunderstood label that often gets used to categorise and generalise a person who exhibits a number of volatile and unstable behaviours. The psychiatric term "Borderline Personality" was only agreed and defined as late as the 1980's.
It is variously described by the American Psychiatric Association as "a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity".
In my article The Wizard of Oz - A Myth for our Age I demonstrated how that tale was a deep psychological myth about the healing journey of men and women, and how they must deal with their inner woundings and the outer manifestations of wounding personalities. That tale concentrated its focus on the depiction of the Narcissistic personality, as depicted in the story as "The Wizard".
Children are apt to see their parents and significant others from a magical mind. In this way their early childhood is a blend of reality and supportive make believe figures, friends and characters. Some of these are drawn from their fairy tales, cartoons and stuffed toys. In the face of hostility, chaos, and abuse a child will often dissociate or leave their body or conscious state, and retreat into their own fairy tale reality in order to cope and survive.
Fairy tales then have a deep resonance with children as they describe in a child's language and imagery the various personalities and people children have to deal with in the real world. Children need fairy tales to learn about basic concepts of good and evil, loss and love. Children also resonate to the themes of such fairy tales and find hope and inspiration, and identification with heroes from such stories.
Lewis Carroll and his Stories
In terms of the Borderline personality we look beyond The Wonderful Wizard of Oz for inspiration and guidance. We must go back in time to the Victorian era where a troubled but logical author wrote a key archetypal fairy tale that touches on the underlying weirdness, volatility, chaos and strangeness of the Borderline parent and the challenges facing the innocent child in coming to terms with this alien mental and emotional landscape. Welcome to Lewis Carroll and the story we know as "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland", and its related counterpart "Through The Looking Glass".
Lewis Carroll was the pseudonym for Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, who was an author, cleric, mathematician and writer in Victorian England. He is recognised for 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' (1865) and 'Through the Looking Glass' (1872), as well as other mathematical and children's books.
Unlike Frank Baum who wrote "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz", Lewis Carroll was not a spiritual or psychological seeker of truths. He apparently had quite some trouble in his childhood that included significant neglect. Neglect is one theme in the childhood of Borderline personalities. His books appear to be a more unconscious revelation of his own escapism reality and childhood, and hence the quick descent from the normal childhood of his story character Alice into the surreal and distorted world of Wonderland in his tales.
Frank Baum was quite conscious to what he wrote in "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" as he conveyed the psychological parable of what a person undergoes in their search for healing, and the traps and dynamics that one may need to face and surmount. Lewis Carroll was writing children's stories at face value but in doing so he revealed much of his own reality and ideas that are convincingly symbols of his own issues and experiences. Let us explore some of these themes as they help illustrate the dilemmas of the Borderline personality.
Lewis Carroll had much of the background that can shape this personality. He was born into the strict moral values of Victorian England. Children were to be seen and not heard and there was no common understanding of how to raise children in a nurturing way. The abandonment by the mother of the baby to a nanny, or of the child to a Boarding school was an all too common idea and practice back then.
In his own family system this backdrop was made worse by the fact that Lewis Carroll was the eldest child of five overall, all born in the short space of only 6 years. Such family dynamics would have meant that the baby and then child would typically have been abandoned to some extent by a mother pre-occupied with pregnancies, birth and subsequent care of the succession of babies that followed Lewis Carroll into existence.
There is some evidence that Lewis Carroll had some form of eating disorder linked to anxiety throughout his life. Eating disorders are considered by some to be an attempt to take control over the one thing left in life that you can control, that being your body. This idea stems from the fact that for such a person they may have felt out of control or possibly raised in conditions where they had no control over life, or there was chaos about. That type of childhood certainly can be that for those children raised in a chaotic or a Narcissistic or Borderline parent family environment.
Carroll was reported by friends to have had an obsessively negative association with eating and his fear on its impact on his body shape and size (fear of a loss of control). This is commonly a classic food neurosis that often shows an attempt to find and maintain control when perhaps there was few other things in his life that he had control over as a child. In his books Alice changed shape and size from eating and drinking which is an allegorical reference to his own fears and distortions around such actions around food and drink.
In the tales, Alice is also having to learn about her body and the way it works and changes. She talks to her feet and then comes learns some of the new ways her body is able to perform. She undergoes changes of shape and finds that nothing in her body is stable or normal. The Borderline personality is known to fear their own urges, feelings, impulses and desires, as they fear a wider loss of control as a result.
Also in the book there were other food centric themes that involved punishment and sudden shape shifting or rule changes. For instance we find The Knave of Hearts is put on trial for allegedly stealing the Queen's tarts, with a proposed penalty of beheading being demanded. The queen represents the Borderline Mother who in the story was ever demanding, aggressive, and split into the Black queen and the White queen at times.
The books carry negative themes and associations around food and meal times. The Tea Party is a Mad Tea Party and the Mad Hatter is a figure at such events. The Cheshire cat is defined by his mouth which is the last point of the cat to be present when appearing or disappearing. The oral fixation is seen in a number of the fictional stories and continues this obsessional theme.
The concept of splitting is a deep psychological truth for both the Borderline and the Narcissistic personality. As a child's sense of self emerges it comes into contact with feelings of hatred. A child raised by a Borderline or Narcissistic parent is likely to have to face this reality on a regular basis. A child at the age of two years is considered to naturally enter a developmental phase known as the narcissistic childhood phase of development.
In its two year old narcissistic phase of development the child is constrained to only think in absolutes. It will not yet have developed the complex psychological mechanisms that permit the acceptance of love and hate existing together towards the same object in the same moment. (Klein:1971).
Psychoanalyst Melanie Klein(1971) coined the term "splitting" to describe to describe this reality where the world around us is seen in either-or terms of the "all good" or "all bad". The child develops this splitting in its infancy but it still operates in the narcissistic phase of the child's reality.
The concept of "splitting" is where the child cannot see the mother both in terms of the "good mother" and the "bad mother" and so creates a magical reality of two separate mothers who each show up from time to time. This preserves the imperative of the "good mother" always being good and not being compromised by hurtful acts against the child. Instead the "bad mother" who is someone else is responsible for the hurtful acts against the child(Klein:1971).
In this way the child can vent its rage against the "bad mother" without threatening its own survival by killing off the "good mother" who supplies all its nurturance and survival needs(Klein:1971). A child will have developed a split sense of "good mother" and "bad mother" to cope with the reality of a raging narcissistic or Borderline personality mother.
Carl Jung noted that almost all fairy tales employed the "splitting effect" of the "good fairy godmother" archetype versus the "bad witch" or "cruel mother or step mother" archetype(Jung:1990). He and psychoanalyst Bruno Bettelheim(1932) both agree that this is because it is a concept the young child already has a reality for and can relate to when reading such stories.
Lewis Carroll may have employed this splitting effect with the various Queens, and with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum as a reality that reflects how he employed splitting to cope with his childhood traumas.
The child must go through a form of object constancy where the child can hate its mother, and annihilate the mother, yet sees the mother is still existing and still there for the child afterwards(Johnson:1994). The child has the splitting defence to assist in this process. Unfortunately some parents respond to the child's infantile rages of hatred, anger and defiance with punishment and their own adult versions of hate wrapped up as love.
When this occurs the adult in a sense is reacting from their own infantile thinking. An adult needs to be able to relate to the child in terms of the child being both good and bad at the same time for the parent to be able to contain a child's emotional reactivity(Goldberg:1993).
When the adult is unable to move beyond seeing the child from a good-and-bad splitting mechanism then the child will be rejected and subject to adult parental hatred that the "bad child" now forms in the adult parents mind(Goldberg:1993). This is what goes on for the adult Borderline personality as they tend to see others and the world in very black and white terms through rigidly splitting people into such extremes.
We see in adult Borderline personalities that they may fall in love and see the "other" initially in terms of being all good, a saviour, perfect and a safe person. However their highly charged emotional self is also prone to project negative or paranoid "bad" qualities onto that same person and in doing so they become for the Borderline personality a sudden shape shifter, who has betrayed them, become an unsafe object, and become the object of their now cold, rageful, traumatized self as they act out of survival reactions.
What is actually happening is that the person represents a recreation of the mother for the Borderline personality. In truth the mother may have gone from being loving to hurtful, from caring to cold, from accepting to abandoning, from stable to unstable, in seconds, and so the child got traumatized, and developed a splitting effect to cope with this unstable behavior.
As a later adult the now traumatized person is alert and hyper-aroused to anyone they "love" suddenly turning on them and changing into a demon. Partners of Borderline personalities report these extreme reactions occurring in their relationship, and which are triggered by small or innocent gestures, dynamics, words, associations or even smells or scents which trigger the Borderline into their "acting out" of rage and psychotic symptoms or episodes.
When this happens to a child who can have no concept of what the adult parent is exhibiting, they are themselves wounded in a way that sets them up to become the next generation of traumatized and possibly Borderline personality. The child is engulfed and unwittingly drawn down the rabbit hole of the parent's madness into their adult world of distortion, madness, terror and rage. This is what happened to Alice in the fairy tale.
A child who is shamed or punished when it expresses its own infantile rage and hatred soon learns to suppress the expression of such feelings(Goldberg:1993). The Borderline and the Narcissistic parent tends to split the child into the idealized "good child" and force the child to disown its shadow feelings and behaviours as the "bad child" into their unconsciousness (Klein:1971).
We see Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum as two "split" personas in the fairy tale who had disowned all shadow or negative emotions. They were oppositional to each other and they also had dysmorphic body shapes which again relates to Carroll's fear of loss of bodily control.
The critical parent or the demanding parent who wants perfection and absolute obedience of the child "out of love" will tend to use damaging parental messages to the child. Such parents will be seen reminding the child what is wrong with it, how it "got it wrong", how the child is stupid and needs to try harder, and how the child must be punished for its failures. Here is the hatred that comes from love and here is the shadow side of love which if not dealt with in the parent will wound the child and create the basis for its self-hatred.
It is from such a dynamic that the child creates a false self of the "good child" to survive. Anytime the child is made wrong, made unsafe, and made unlovable it seeks to adjust and adapt to its environment. It does so by rejecting and disowning into the unconscious all the hated parts of itself as told to it by its parents and caretakers, and noting what areas remain in itself as "lovable" and so build a false self around these parts where they exist, and become "lovable" for just parts of who their authentic self is.
The problem for the child of the Borderline parent is that the wounding by them starts too early and continues for too long for the child to form stable defences and a stable social mask to present to the world.
The adult Borderline personality is known for unconsciously creating splitting in various mundane and major aspects of their life. Lewis Carroll was known by his friends to have a "dual personality". In this way he was described as someone who had on one hand a calm, quiet detached, logical mind and self, but yet upon him could descend "dark moods". This Victorian era term is now thought to describe either a depressive effect or a raging effect, or both. It also shows another form of splitting in the psyche of the person.
Note as well that even his name was split. Charles Lutwidge Dodgson became Lewis Carroll which is a form of splitting. This dual personality effect is a common trait of the Borderline personality. They may have a basic persona from which they seem to organise their core experiences, but this may quickly fragment and then another persona emerges which has a totally different look and feel to the observer. A common type of second persona is the "raging witch" which is demonic and destructive and may physically be unsafe to be around as it can engage in physical harm of others.
It may also be a childlike, waifish, dependent or needy persona which is collapsed and "young" in presentation. Both these "emotional parts of the personality" only tend to show up under duress and in the face of the person somehow becoming triggered or reactive to life and events in the moment. Later on I present a trauma model to explain this aspect of the Borderline personality.
The Borderline personality is also one which tries to exert control and to find safety in black and white concepts, systems, objects and dynamics. As such they are seeking stability and continuity in their world which may have been quite fluid, chaotic and subject to sudden rule or reality change.
Lewis Carroll developed an early obsession with mathematics which is a black and white construct that is stable, consistent and can be a form of escapism. As such it may have been an escapism from a troubled childhood reality where he retreated into books and his thinking mind. His authored books were full of elements of mathematics and logic, such as cards, chess, and the use of twisted logic or reality to arrive at sane or logical outcomes.
Another rigid concept around which the reality challenged child could anchor themself is time. Time at least was a constant in an insecure world where many stable things were rendered insecure, false or changed due to the psychotic reality, or distortions of the Borderline parent.
Children of Borderline parents have been found to sometimes possess a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Such obsessive behaviours are often anchored to objects or frameworks which provide the constancy or reliability unavailable in childhood, or which provide the safety that was not theirs in childhood. Lewis Carroll had behaviours we would now consider as OCD.
OCD also serves to distract a person from their underlying anxiety and Lewis was known to become anxious each evening whereupon he had distractions and rituals to occupy his time and mind. These included writing his books and solving riddles and puzzles. A child of a Borderline personality parent often spent their childhood trying to solve riddles and puzzling logic or making sense of their disturbed parent's behaviour.
Time would be a classic example of a rigid and reliable framework to obsess about. The checking of door locks might be an example of a ritual to make one safe. In Lewis Carroll's novels we note for instance that the White Rabbit is obsessive about time.
In what may be a reflection of Lewis Carroll himself, we observe the fearful and paranoid reaction of the White Rabbit to his own lateness. The Hatter's watch shows days because "it's always six o' clock and tea-time". This means that the only important time to note was tea time at six o'clock.
This scene spawns the famous line now oft repeated "I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date". Time could also be a trigger for some Borderline personalities who found reason to be fearful of many objects or events in their households as they took on some special meaning for them. Some parents may become worse at a certain time, like after drinking alcohol later in the day or evening.
The reason why time might become an anchor is that all the other constants such as rules and realities are fluid and not stable or constant. A child growing up with an unstable, narcissistic or Borderline parent(s) may find rules are ever changing, only apply some times, to only a few, and in contradiction of other rules. This traumatises and undermines a child searching for meaning, purpose and stability.
In the stories Alice is often traumatised and is seen to cry a lot when it's impossible to obey the rules of the Wonderland, which are obtuse, surreal, and confusing. "Everything is so out-of-the-way down here", is the statement that Alice makes about this craziness.
Alice feels she must be mad or else why would she be in Wonderland as seen by the comment of the Cheshire Cat that "everyone in Wonderland is mad, otherwise they wouldn't be down here". Many children of Borderline parents, and the Borderline personality themself both feel and fear they are mad or crazy as they try to cope with reality and life.
In the Victorian era it was such that time dominated themes such as meal times, which we have seen was already the subject of anxiety or negative experiences for Lewis Carroll. It is quite feasible that the association that existed between time and meals which equates to food could then become a fixation for the young Carroll. This is shown in how time is treated as an anxious and fearful concept in his stories, and with his own confirmed phobias with food and meals.
The Borderline personality has only a tenuous grip on a stable reality and is known to suffer delusions and cognitive distortions when processing reality. They appear to genuinely believe their own distortions and as such are "telling the truth" to themselves at least. This is in contrast to the Narcissist who tends to know a truth but ignores it, lies, exaggerates, or denies it, but without necessarily believing their own distortion.
A child or partner of the Borderline personality must face the crazy reality of that person and often starts to doubt their own reality in the process. A baby or young child has no effective discrimination to reject the often inconsistent reality presented to them, which creates object or reality inconstancy, and undermines their own stable reality. One gets sucked down the rabbit hole and then must make the insane become sane or make the surreal somehow understandable, as was the challenge for Alice, and possibly Lewis Carroll.
Lewis Carroll was also reported to have had an obsessive interest in photographing little girls, often dressed and with a countenance that shows they directly shaped his description of Alice in his books. A photo is both a stable image but also an idealisation through staged posture, dress and grooming of the subject, such were the studio portraits of the Victorian era.
In a way this too shows both possible escapism into the technology and stable reality of a photograph that cannot shape shift and change on oneself once taken. Early cameras and the process of photography was quite involved, mathematical, black and white, and captured a "stable image". A stable image of reality is what eludes many Borderline personalities and possibly Lewis Carroll in his childhood.
The escapism is also found in the time, attention and effort employed in writing his various types of literature, including in his most well-known novel, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland". His fictional literature carried that paradox of being both logical and crazy at the same time, which is in itself both a set of extremes or "splits", as well as conveying unconscious truths of the writer himself, who attempted to make logic from the illogical.
Another example of how the child searches for a stable reality from the inconsistent and distorted reality of the Borderline parent, is seen in his fictional books where Carroll's characters consistently ignored the commonly understood reality in order to reach a more logical conclusion. This logical craziness is the often reported experience of adult children of Borderline parents.
In the story he was also want to employing mirrors which reflect a truth back to the observer, and indeed it is "mirroring" that a baby uses to create their reality via interaction with its mother. Alice encountered numerous mirror reversals in Wonderland which is symbolic of how the mirroring process was subject to changes or inconsistencies, which is a possible fate that can befall a baby raised by a Borderline personality mother.
The logical craziness extended to the splitting concept within Alice herself. We see in the story how at one point Alice pretends to be two people, speaking in two different voices, but yet making logical sense. This is crazy logic.
At a key point in the story Alice is put on trial by the queen, which symbolises how the child is judged and persecuted, criticised and punished constantly by the borderline mother. In this crazy scene Alice splits into key personas and assumes the positions of juror, jury, and witness at the trail. She is the accused and the accuser, the innocent and the guilty, yet this is rationalised by the crazy logic in the story, just as the Borderline tries to create logic out of their own internal inconsistencies, distortions, and fragmented parts of self.
In another key scene we see Alice become again the accused and the accuser, but then the abuser and the abused. This scene occurs during a croquet game, which in real life was a passion of Lewis Carroll. This confrontational scene symbolises the dynamic of the mother and child in argument which the child cannot win.
Here in the story, Alice accuses the Queen of cheating. A rage of opposition occurs and then Alice attacks herself by cheating herself and then has to punish herself and so boxes her own ears for cheating. This symbolises the mother who makes the protesting child feel bad and so the child takes on the mother's reality and feels bad and so must hate and punish themself for perceived wrongs projected onto them by the mother.
What is interesting is that the female figures such as the Queen and the Duchess in the story are aggressive, dominant characters who suppress their husbands or kings who are portrayed as weak and rulers by name only. This is a clue to many Borderline household dynamics where the mother chooses a passive and therefore "safe" husband who then later will be dominated and suppressed by the emotionally volatile wife.
When the Borderline wife attacks and rages at her children, such a husband may not protect the child as they too are in fear of their mate. The child notes the weakness in the father and this reinforces to them the dominance and power of the mother.
Another clue with Lewis Carroll was his sleep disorder which affected him from childhood. He would fear sleep as nightmares haunted him which may be possibly his unconscious playing out nightmarish scenes and traumas unresolved from his childhood. He apparently read books late into the night or worked on mathematical problems to ward off sleep. Borderline personalities are often plagued with sleep problems and nightmares in adulthood.
In his story of Alice we see themes of sleep associated with the surreal reality of Wonderland. Alice is actually dreaming in both fictional books that have her as the central character. Alice encountered sleep dynamics in Wonderland such as at The Tea Party, and in other situations. Sleep can be a form of dissociative defence in children and adults to avoid reality.
This can be a symbol that the child who grows up with a hostile or traumatic childhood often is found in therapy to have no childhood memories, or to struggle to know if those key events were experienced or dreamt. Sleep is also a form of escape or dissociation from reality when perhaps that reality is hard to face.
In the end of "Alice In Wonderland" and in the darker and stranger sequel "Through The Looking Glass" we find the more adult Alice and Alice's sister noting ""we are but older children, dear, who fret to find our bedtime near.", alluding to the idea that the childhood issues remain unresolved and that the fears have not gone away with adulthood.
A certain rationalisation is recorded at the end of the tale in that "and how she would gather about her other little children, and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long-ago". Alice learns at the end of the story that her whole reality in Wonderland really is 'nothing but a pack of cards'.
This points to an unstable reality she has had to make do with and master, but which could at any time collapse like a "house of cards". All through the story Alice She is constantly challenged to identify herself by the creatures she meets and struggles to do so convincingly as she is both mistaken by other animals, plus she has doubts about her identity as well.
At this point, Alice has emerged still with a shaky identity and identity that is the common adult outcome for children of Borderline or Narcissistic parents. She must live with her childhood legacy and wakes up into the 'real' world, the world of adults.
In "Through The Looking Glass" we find a degree of confidence and self mastery in Alice as she enters Wonderland and is now stronger in her identity. It is a cautionary tale however as Alice is determined to become a queen (become her mother).
In this respect we must reflect that quite a number of children raised by Borderline mothers will go on to become a Borderline personality adult themselves. Lewis Carroll almost seems to recognise this by having Alice identify with and aspire to be a queen herself. However the instability of her identity again shows up in the scene where she enters the woods (fear) which causes her to freeze and forget her own name.
The unresolved dilemma of the adult Borderline personality not having a stable sense of self, or truly knowing who they are, is underlined by the end of the story in "Through The Looking Glass".
Here we find the split personality as expressed through Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum who show Alice the sleeping Red King and tell her that she is not a real person; she only exists in his dream. This craziness and challenge to her reality remains unresolved at the end of the book just as in life the Borderline remains unresolved within themselves as to their true reality.
In summary, it can be seen that the Borderline person cannot easily be tied down into a easily definable character or stable personality. It is in the nature of the Borderline personality to be volatile and changeable much like Wonderland, yet trying to remain stable and consistent within all of this.
The classic children's story, "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll is perhaps an apt description of the reality and dynamics of the Borderline personality. The Borderline personality was well illustrated by Lewis Carroll who may have had Borderline personality traits himself in real life.
The Walt Disney version of the tale was a sanitised version of the darker themes in the book. Tim Burton captured this dark sense of the tale in his disturbing adult oriented portrayal of the book that was released only in 2010. One senses from Burton's faithful interpretation that this is not really a children's tale at all but one of finding sanity within insanity.
The Borderline personality is one who can go through life largely misdiagnosed or undiagnosed, and who can be on appearance sane, rational and rigid, often achieving success in their field. However on closer inspection one finds under this often cold but logical personality a hidden world of instability and emotional eruptions that may erupt and drag them down into their own rabbit hole into a surreal world of trauma.
Article and Book References
- You May Be a Narcissist If...How to Identify Narcissism In Ourselves and Others, Paul Meier, 2009, HarperCollins Books
- Narcissism: Denial of the Self, Lowen Alexander,1986, Bioenergetic Press.
- Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality, Ronningstam Elsa;2008,John Wiley & Sons.
- Freeing Yourself From The Narcissist in Your Life, Matinez-Lewi,2008,John Wiley & Sons.
- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(Version IV)(DSMIV), American Psychiatric Association, 2006.
- Disarming the Narcissist – Surviving and Thriving With The Self Absorbed, Behary Wendy T., 2008, New Harbinger Publications.
- The Borderline Personality, Ronnstag Bert, 2000, Viking Press.
- Understanding the Borderline Mother – Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship, Lawson, Christine Ann, 2000, A Jason Aronson Book, Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc, Lanham.
- Lewis Carroll – His Life, Bloom Harold, 1987, New York: Chelsea Hose Publishers.
- Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, Carroll, Lewis, 1998, New York: Grosset and Dunlap, Publishers.
- HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE? - The Borderline/Narcissist Couple, Shari Schreiber, M.A., 2009, sharischreiber.com/