If you are currently in therapy, there may come a time when you start to feel like your counsellor isn’t the right fit for you. The relationship you have with your counsellor plays a significant role in your mental health journey. It can either accelerate or hinder your progress, so it’s essential to recognise when it’s time to seek a new therapist.

The idea of changing therapists can be daunting. After all, therapy is an investment, both financially and emotionally. However, if you have been attending therapy for an extended period without noticeable improvements, it may indicate a need to reassess the therapeutic approach or practitioner suitability for your specific mental health goals. Sticking with counsellors who is not helping you progress could prolong your struggles and waste your time and money. In this article, we’ll explore the signs that suggest you may need to find a new counsellor. We’ll also offer tips on how to navigate the process of making a change.

Therapy Sessions Feel Like a Chore

One of the first signs that you may need a new counsellor is if therapy starts to feel like a chore. At the beginning of therapy, you might have felt hopeful or even excited to work through your issues. However, if over time you start to feel resistance to attending your sessions, this could be a red flag.

It’s not unusual to experience a dip in motivation, especially during tough times. However, if you consistently feel irritated or apathetic about attending your therapy sessions, something may be wrong. The sessions should provide relief, clarity, or at least a sense of progress. Even if breakthroughs don’t happen every session, you should feel lighter or more understood after a productive session.

If you’re beginning to feel like therapy is something you have to do rather than something that benefits you, it might be time to evaluate your current therapeutic relationship. Feelings of being unheard or stuck can lead to questioning whether it’s time to seek a new therapist, emphasizing the importance of a productive therapeutic relationship for mental health progress.

You Don’t Connect With Your Counsellor

The therapeutic relationship is one of the most important factors in the success of your treatment. If you’re not able to establish a strong connection with your mental health professional, it can be very difficult to make meaningful progress. Building a connection doesn’t mean becoming friends, but you should feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings openly with your therapist.

If you’ve been working with a counsellor for several sessions or even months, and you still don’t feel like you “click,” it’s a sign that you may need to consider someone else. Trust and openness are essential in therapy, and if you don’t feel that connection, it may hinder your ability to be honest and vulnerable.

Some therapists may have a more direct or structured approach, while others might focus on building rapport first. Understanding this is key, but if you still feel uncomfortable or misunderstood despite trying to adapt to their style, it’s worth considering a change.

You Haven’t Made Progress

While therapy is not a quick fix, you should expect to see some progress over time. Therapy can help address various mental health concerns, enhance personal development, and improve relationships. This doesn’t mean that you will be “cured” of all your problems immediately, but after several months of therapy, you should feel like you’re making some headway. If you’ve been working on the same issue for a prolonged period and haven’t seen any improvements, this is a significant warning sign.

Lack of progress might manifest in different ways. It could be that you feel stuck, like you’re continually revisiting the same topics without any resolution. Alternatively, you might feel like you’re not gaining new insights or tools to help manage your challenges. If you don’t feel any improvement, despite your efforts, it’s time to reassess whether the current counsellor is helping you in a meaningful way.

There’s a Lack of Boundaries

Boundaries in the therapeutic relationship are essential for creating a safe, professional environment. This is especially true in online therapy, where maintaining clear and professional boundaries is crucial. A counsellor should maintain these boundaries at all times. If at any point, you feel that your therapist is crossing those boundaries, it’s time to rethink your relationship with them.

Some red flags include attempts to socialise outside of sessions, sexual comments or inappropriate remarks, or the therapist focusing too much on their own personal issues rather than yours. In extreme cases, a therapist might try to manipulate or control aspects of your personal life in a way that goes beyond the therapeutic context.

If you feel uncomfortable in any way, it’s essential to trust your instincts. Professional boundaries are crucial for maintaining a healthy, respectful relationship with your therapist. When these lines are blurred, it can undermine the therapeutic process and potentially cause more harm than good.

They’re Distracted and Forgetful

A counsellor’s primary focus during your session should be on you. If they seem distracted, unfocused, or disengaged, it’s a major sign that you need to reassess the situation. Seeking professional support from a focused and engaged therapist is crucial. It’s perfectly normal for a therapist to take notes during sessions, but they should never be checking their phone, answering calls, or fiddling with unrelated paperwork.

One major warning sign is if your therapist forgets key details from previous sessions. You may have to repeat yourself regularly, or they might show a lack of recall about important details you’ve shared. A good therapist should be able to keep track of your progress and the important points from your sessions, ensuring that the therapy is directed towards addressing your issues. If you find that your therapist is constantly forgetful or distracted, it may be time to seek someone who is more present and engaged.

They Minimise Your Experiences

It is essential that your therapist acknowledges and validates your experiences. A counsellor’s job is to listen with empathy and guide you through your emotional landscape without minimising your feelings. Recognizing and addressing mental health concerns, such as anxiety, depression, and a lack of engagement in activities, is crucial, especially during challenging times like the Covid-19 pandemic. If a therapist invalidates your concerns, making you feel like your issues are “not a big deal” or “not as serious as others,” this is a serious red flag.

For example, if you’ve experienced trauma, a counsellor who dismisses or downplays your experiences can do significant harm. Minimising behaviours may include telling you that you overreacted or trying to compare your feelings to their own. A skilled therapist will provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your experiences and will never make you feel ashamed of your emotions.

If this happens, it’s crucial to seek out someone who offers a more compassionate and understanding approach.

They’re Flaky

Reliability and consistency are fundamental to a successful therapeutic relationship. If your therapist cancels appointments frequently, arrives late, or regularly reschedules without a valid reason, this indicates a lack of professionalism and respect for your time.

Once or twice is understandable, but if it becomes a regular issue, it’s a problem. Therapy should be a priority for your therapist, and if they’re not showing up for your sessions on time or are cancelling often, it could be a sign that they’re not committed to helping you. It’s important to hold your therapist to the same standards they expect from you. If they’re constantly late or cancelling, you might want to consider finding someone more reliable. It may take a few attempts to find the right therapist, but being aware of these red flags can help you avoid wasting time and resources on ineffective therapy.

You’ve Grown Too Attached

While it’s important to build rapport and trust with your counsellor, it’s equally crucial not to develop unhealthy attachments. A therapist is a tool to help you work through your challenges, not a friend or family member. If you begin to rely on them too much or become emotionally dependent, it can hinder your progress.

If you feel like you need your therapist to get through tough times or feel that you can’t manage without their guidance, this could be a sign that you’ve become too reliant on the therapeutic relationship. A good therapist will empower you to develop personalized coping strategies to manage life’s challenges independently and won’t encourage you to lean on them for emotional support outside of therapy sessions.

Therapy Has Become a Habit

Therapy is meant to help you improve your mental health, not just serve as a space for venting. If your sessions start to feel more like casual conversations or weekly check-ins where you vent about frustrations rather than focusing on growth, it’s a warning sign.

Talk therapy, in particular, should aid in personal development by helping you build skills, gain insights, and move forward. Ask yourself whether you’re going to therapy because it’s helping you achieve these benefits, or if you’re simply going because it’s become part of your routine. If therapy feels more like a habit than a productive step towards your healing, it might be time to discuss your goals with your counsellor or consider a change. You should be feeling empowered to manage your mental health on your own, not dependent on the ongoing reassurance of your therapist.

Finding the Right Fit

If you’ve noticed any of these warning signs, it’s important to take action. Poor mental health can significantly impact both your emotional and physical well-being, and not finding the right therapist can exacerbate these issues. You don’t have to continue working with a counsellor who isn’t meeting your needs. Here are some steps to help you find the right therapist for you:

1. Assess Your Needs

Take a moment to reflect on your goals for therapy. What kind of help do you need? Do you need someone who specializes in trauma, anxiety, or depression? Understanding your needs, including how mental health issues might be affecting your physical health, will help you find a counsellor with the right expertise.

3. Do Your Research

Look up potential therapists who have experience in the areas you want to work on. Read reviews, ask for referrals from trusted sources, or use professional directories to find a therapist with the right background.

4. Trust Your Instincts

During your first meeting with a new counsellor, pay attention to how you feel. Do you feel heard and understood? Are you comfortable with their approach? Trust your instincts when deciding if they are the right fit.

5. Be Open to Trying New Approaches

Sometimes, the issue isn’t the therapist but the method of therapy. If you’re not making progress with one therapist, consider trying a different therapeutic approach, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), mindfulness-based therapy, or trauma-focused therapy.

6. Communicate Openly in Your Current Therapeutic Relationship

Be honest with your current therapist about your concerns. If you feel comfortable, share why you think it might be time to move on. This can help them understand your needs and allow you to have a more productive discussion.

Conclusion and Warning Signs

Choosing the right counsellor is essential to your mental health journey. The therapeutic relationship should be built on trust, professionalism, and mutual respect. If you notice any of the warning signs discussed in this article, it’s important to evaluate whether your current therapist is helping you achieve your mental health goals. By recognising these signs early, you can avoid wasting time and money and instead invest in a counsellor who can help you grow, heal, and thrive.

If you’re unsure where to start or need assistance in finding the right fit for your therapy needs, please reach out to us at the Energetics Institute. We offer a variety of counselling services tailored to help you find the best therapist for your journey.

Reference List:

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   • This foundational paper on the “working alliance” explores the importance of the therapist-client relationship in therapy outcomes. Bordin’s work highlights how the quality of the therapeutic alliance is crucial for effective therapy.
2. American Psychological Association (APA). (2017). Ethical principles of psychologists and code of conduct.
   • The APA’s ethical guidelines outline the importance of maintaining professional boundaries in the therapeutic relationship, emphasizing the need for respect and clear boundaries between therapists and clients.
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   • This book offers insights into various therapeutic approaches, including evidence-based models like cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, and others. It provides a comprehensive overview of how different approaches work and their effectiveness in treating various mental health issues.
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   • This article summarizes research on how the therapeutic relationship impacts therapy outcomes, reinforcing the importance of building a strong rapport between the therapist and client to achieve positive results.
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   • This study explores how boundary violations in therapy—such as dual relationships or therapists becoming overly personal—can undermine the effectiveness of therapy and harm clients’ psychological well-being.
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   • This document discusses the importance of professional boundaries in therapy and how they apply across diverse client populations. It is useful in understanding how boundary issues can arise in a variety of therapeutic settings.
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   • This article reviews various self-monitoring tools used in therapy and their impact on client progress. It underscores the importance of clients taking an active role in monitoring their progress to achieve better therapy outcomes.
8. Hubble, M. A., Duncan, B. L., & Miller, S. D. (1999). The heart and soul of change: What works in therapy.
   • This book provides evidence-based insights into what works in therapy, focusing on the client-therapist relationship and the key factors that contribute to therapeutic success, including the role of client engagement and the therapist’s role in facilitating progress.
9. Watson, J. C., & Goldman, R. (2008). Therapeutic alliance and client attachment: The role of emotion in the helping relationship. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 64(7), 797-804.
   • This research discusses the emotional dynamics between therapist and client, including how attachment styles influence the therapeutic relationship and progress. It highlights the role of emotional connection in therapy.
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    • This guideline provides evidence-based recommendations for mental health professionals regarding treatment approaches and the importance of assessing therapy progress. It supports the idea of goal-setting and tracking as integral to therapy outcomes.