What Causes Contempt in Relationships and How to Heal It

Contempt in a relationship is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship. It slowly poisons connection, erodes trust, and leads to emotional disconnection, often culminating in long-term relationship failure. When contempt enters a relationship, whether romantic, marital, or otherwise, it signals a breakdown of mutual respect and a rise in emotional distance between partners.

At Energetics Institute, we specialise in helping couples identify and address the emotional and behavioural dynamics that damage relationships. Understanding contempt, what it looks like, why it arises, and how it affects your mental health and wellbeing, is the first step in building a healthier relationship built on compassion, emotional connection, and core values.

What Is Contempt in a Relationship?

Contempt in relationships refers to treating someone with disdain, disgust, or moral superiority. Unlike anger or frustration, contempt is laced with sarcasm, blame, or mockery, often paired with eye rolling, sneering, and dismissive body language. These subtle cues send a loud message: “I’m better than you.”

In fact, contempt is considered the most toxic of what the Gottman Institute famously calls the Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Of these, contempt is the strongest predictor of relationship breakdown, and its presence makes long-term marital stability virtually impossible without intervention.

Common Forms of Contemptuous Behaviour

• Hostile humour and sarcastic responses
• Eye rolling, sneering, and scoffing
• Dismissive or belittling comments about the other partner’s thoughts or needs
• Speaking with a tone of superiority or disgust
• Ignoring or minimising the other’s concerns

These are not just passing moments of frustration. They reflect deep emotional wounds, unresolved conflict, and a breakdown of emotional safety.

The Psychology of Contempt in Marriage and Relationships

Contempt in marriage is often a sign of underlying issues that stem from unhealthy relationship patterns, these have normally gone unaddressed for too long. These may include unmet emotional needs, trauma, chronic conflict, or recurring patterns of negative thinking. Over time, one partner may develop a narrative that they are morally or emotionally superior to the other partner, which leads to contemptuous behaviour and a cycle of more conflict.

This dynamic creates a relational environment where emotional connection is replaced by bitterness, and every interaction becomes a power struggle. Couples therapy at this stage can help address these underlying problems before they spiral into permanent disconnection.

What Causes Contempt in Relationships?

There are several core contributors to contempt, especially in long-term partnerships.

Unmet Needs and Emotional Neglect

When one partner consistently feels unheard, unseen, or unappreciated, it can breed resentment. If these needs go unspoken or ignored, they eventually transform into contempt. One partner begins to internalise the idea that the other partner does not care, which reinforces a cycle of disconnection.

Unresolved Trauma

Past wounds, whether from childhood or previous relationships, can manifest as contempt in the relationship. People often carry forward emotional triggers, and without self-awareness or healing, these get projected onto the current partner.

Low Self Esteem

Ironically, people with low self esteem may resort to contempt as a way to feel more powerful. Treating someone with contempt temporarily elevates their sense of control but damages the emotional state of the relationship over time.

Learned Behaviour

Contempt may also be a learned behaviour from parents or authority figures who used sarcasm or criticism to communicate. This form of modelling normalises contemptuous interactions as part of a dysfunctional relationship framework.

Loss of Core Values

When a couple’s shared values start to diverge, contempt can set in. Partners begin to question each other’s integrity, ambitions, or emotional intelligence, which makes building emotional connection harder.

Contempt vs Criticism: Know the Difference

While both are damaging, contempt is more insidious. Criticism targets behaviour: “You didn’t do the dishes.” Contempt targets the person: “You’re so lazy, I have to do everything myself.”

The emotional state behind contempt is not frustration but disgust. And unlike constructive feedback, contempt carries no desire to solve the problem, only to shame the other partner.

How Contempt Shows Up in Daily Life

Contempt does not always appear in obvious ways. It can be:

• Repeated eye rolling during disagreements
• Making fun of the other’s interests, work, or social life
• Expressing cynicism or disdain about the other partner’s goals or dreams
• Speaking with a lack of empathy or positive sentiment
• Acting indifferent to the other’s perspectives or emotional needs

In relationships today, these behaviours are often dismissed as sarcasm or dry humour. But beneath the surface, contempt leads to lasting damage that makes conflict resolution and emotional repair virtually impossible.

The Cost of Contempt in Relationships

The longer contempt is left unaddressed, the more it takes a toll on your mental health, physical health, and overall relationship.

Psychological and Emotional Effects

• Feelings of worthlessness or chronic shame
• Emotional withdrawal and defensive behaviour
• Escalating negative emotions like anger and anxiety
• Emotional disconnection that blocks intimacy
• Persistent tension during non conflict hours

Relationship Level Consequences

• Increasing distance emotionally
• Breakdown of trust and affection
• More frequent relationship issues and arguments
• Less positive interactions, more blame and criticism
• Higher risk of relationship failure or separation

Physical Health Risks

Studies have shown that couples who regularly engage in contemptuous behaviour may have increased markers of heart disease, weakened immune function, and chronic stress. The emotional environment you live in affects every part of your wellbeing.

Spotting Contempt: Key Signs to Watch + body language

It is not always easy to spot contempt in your current relationship. But certain patterns reveal its presence:

• You dread talking to your partner about important things
• Small conversations often escalate into conflict
• You or your partner make fun of each other in front of others
• You avoid being vulnerable because it feels unsafe
• You no longer assume good intentions from your partner

If any of these sound familiar, it may be time to reflect on whether contempt has become part of your relationship’s communication pattern.

How to Heal and Rebuild Respect in Your Relationship

Healing from contempt is possible. It requires intentional action, self-awareness, and often the guidance of a skilled couples therapist.

Prioritise Mutual Respect

Contempt cannot survive in a relationship rooted in respect. Begin by valuing each other’s feelings, time, and viewpoints, even when you disagree. Respect is not agreement; it is recognition.

Replace Contempt with Appreciation

Make it a habit to express genuine gratitude. Acknowledge what the other person is doing right. Even small affirmations begin to rebuild emotional connection and self worth.

Use a Gentle Tone

The way we say things matters just as much as what we say. Speak from your own feelings and needs, not from a place of blame or superiority. This shift in tone supports a healthier relationship dynamic.

Identify Core Values Together

Revisit what brought you together. Discuss your shared goals, values, and vision for the future. Realigning your values creates a common emotional ground to build from.

Rebuild Emotional Intimacy

Spend quality time together outside of conflict. Go for walks, try new activities, or simply watch a film and connect. The goal is to associate your partner with emotional safety, not stress.

When to Seek Help From A Couples Therapist

Sometimes, contempt becomes so entrenched that couples cannot fix it alone. If you or your partner regularly feel contempt, or if past efforts to reconnect have failed, professional help may be the most effective next step.

At Energetics Institute, we offer integrative couples therapy in Perth that combines:

• Psychodynamic therapy for exploring unresolved trauma and self worth issues
• Sensorimotor psychotherapy to address body language and non-verbal patterns
• Relationship counselling to rebuild trust, respect, and emotional connection

We support both partners in identifying their individual emotional states and shared relationship framework so they can move toward better relationships, free from contempt and rooted in compassion.

Happy and Unhappy Couples

Research shows a clear distinction between happy and unhappy couples when it comes to contempt in a relationship. Happy couples tend to maintain a foundation of mutual respect, appreciation, and positive interactions, even during conflicts. They are more likely to express fondness and admiration, which acts as a buffer against contemptuous behaviour. In contrast, unhappy couples often fall into patterns of contempt, criticism, and defensiveness, which erode their emotional connection and increase conflict escalation. This negative cycle fosters emotional distance and makes relationship failure more likely. Cultivating positive communication and empathy is essential for moving from an unhealthy relationship dynamic toward a healthier, more satisfying partnership.

Building Relationships Without Contempt

Contempt is one of the most destructive forces in romantic connection, but it does not have to define your relationship. With patience, honesty, and the right support, you can shift from contempt to compassion, from conflict to resolution, and from disconnection to intimacy.

Whether you are just starting a new relationship, facing marital issues, or hoping to strengthen your bond after setbacks, it is possible to replace contemptuous dynamics with mutual understanding, emotional safety, and enduring respect.

Need Support?
If you are experiencing contempt in your relationship, do not wait for things to get worse. Reach out to Energetics Institute to book a session with one of our experienced couples therapists. Together, we can help you rebuild the love, respect, and emotional health you deserve.